Monday, July 27, 2009

Beware of New Zealand Celery

Studies have shown a problem with chemical residue in celery grown in New Zealand. Sources say that the celery has been approved for human consumption, yet there is some cause for concern in certain circles.

Oversight? Or... something more deeply sinister? Read this article, then you decide.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

New Member

Please welcome a new inductee to our group. She is becoming enlightened to the cause and is helping promote us and spread the word about the evils of celery.

Head over there now and give her a hearty celery-free welcome.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

ALERT: The Army is Amassing!

It has recently come to our attention that the pro-celery movement is amassing a huge army and doing a lot of celery PR. I am shocked at how blatant their activities are, as if they are just talking about something like curing cancer or raising toys for tots or other fine community building activities.

The article I'm about to show you is an example of how insidious their pro-celery activities are. The next thing you know they'll be serving celery in schools. (NEWS FLASH: My assistant editing this article pointed out to me that they are already serving celery in schools. TO OUR UNSUSPECTING CHILDREN! It's madness!)

So we have two boycott items: Wemerge Magazine and the American Celery Association

Spread the word... because these things might start jumping out at you from dark alleys and you need to know to protect yourself.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Boston Market Chicken Pot Pie

You might think I'm just a doomsayer. This post will prove to you that I'm absolutely not. I like to give credit where credit is due.

And today I would like to give credit to Boston Market for making a chicken pot pie that does not have celery in it.

I love chicken pot pie and always, always, always have to spend 15 minutes doing a search and destroy mission on all the tiny little pieces of celery that the communists put into the pie thinking nobody will ever notice. Well, I notice.

My delightful recent discovery is that Boston Market's pot pie (at least the chicken) is blissfully celery-free. I read the ingredients twice to be sure. I've had two of them with no sign of celery. There is only one location of concern where they list a generic "spices" which I suppose could have some celery-based spice included. However, I perceived no tell-tale celery taste to it whatsoever.

So, run out and support Boston Market for their celery-free product and tell all your celery hating friends.

And have a GREAT day!

(This was not a paid post and I did not get any free food for this review, although I wouldn't mind if Boston Market would show me some love and hire me as their celery-free promotion spokesperson! Or in lieu of a juicy spokesperson role, a case of celery-free pot pie would be okay, too.)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Celery Salt is Still Celery

Someone asked me the other day if it's okay to use celery salt.

No. It's definitely not okay.

Here is my general rule of thumb... if it has the word "celery" anywhere in it it's not okay. Not in the name, not in the ingredients, not even the color "celery". Some of it is wrong because celery is vile and dangerous. Some is wrong just out of sheer principle.

But we have to be STRONG, people. If we give on the moral grounds it's the first step sliding down that slippery slope and before long we're doing celery and green apple shooters with our friends down at the bar.

Better safe than sorry, I say. And I hope you'll agree.

[photo credit: mister bisson]

Friday, June 12, 2009

Celery Shooters

If you're sensing a theme lately, you are very astute. There must be a trend lately to promote celery as an upscale or trendy ingredient. Personally I blame it on the recession as celery is a relatively cheap vegetable. So here the evildoers are using the recession as yet another tool to work their vile destruction on people who are trying to watch their budgets.

In any case, the latest culinary horror I've run across are celery and green apple shots. I don't have to tell you what's wrong with this. You know. It's just wrong. It's an abomination of nature. If God wanted people to be doing celery and apple shots he would have made the two things grow from the same plant. Because he can. And yet he DIDN'T, so what does that tell you?

Seriously, people.

[photo credit: Alexandra Moss]

Saturday, June 6, 2009

California Celery

For those of you who are easily shocked or faint of heart, please go now. There is an epicurial abomination being passed around the countryside as "fancy eating". When I saw this I was so shocked to my very core that I had to go put a cold cloth on my face.

This dish called California Celery is a horrific mixture of celery gelatin, celery root puree, runny quail egg and truffles.

If you feel like you can handle the details, you can read more about it by following the link.

[photo credit: ulterior epicure]

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Celery Diet

There is something going around the Internet called the "Celery Diet". Well, why don't we call this what it really is... the diet of death.

I don't know how got this started, but I strongly consider this an act of terrorism against heavyset Americans. Please, people, diet responsibly. If you have to do something extreme, for heaven's sake, do the cabbage soup diet or perhaps the infamous cardiac hospital diet.

Being thin is not worth the risk involved in this extreme and dangerous celery diet. Don't succumb to peer pressure. If you feel the need to do something risky, please call our hotline. Volunteers are standing by.

[photo credit: flitzy phoebie]

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Indian Celery

We've just received word about something worrisome that some of you might not know about. This is a new type of insidious danger lurking in the ground, possibly right under your very feet.

It's called Indian Celery and apparently grows wild in places. It's not a traditional celery, but it tastes similar and for that reason it's probably best to just avoid it until we learn more about its properties.

We've obtained official samples that have been sent to a lab and will report back as soon as we know something.

Don't panic, just use caution.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Save the Chickens!

It's like there is an epidemic of animal abuse going on lately. Somewhere at this very moment there is a group of chickens who are being forced to peck at a celery bag pinata for the sick amusement of humans.

Please help bring awareness to this sick, sporting practice. Set the chickens free! Just say NO to celery bag pinatas!!

Run right over to that blog and see if we can't say something convincing that might help.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Update: Celery Allergy

Here is a new update on the oral allergy syndrome and celery causing anaphylactic shock: See Information Liberation

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Save the Rabbits!

Okay, people! Get ready, because we have a MISSION!

We must mobilize to save some rabbits that are being abused. Not only are they being held captive, but while being held captive they are being fed celery AND on top of being fed celery, their kidnappers are making sport of it.

Imagine these innocent bunnies in the ring with celery and all around them are screaming men with fists full of sweaty money. This is a Michael Vick scenario all over again.

Run, don't walk, straight over to the blog of a girl named tor and help me convince her that she needs to reform her ways. We must stop the madness.

Go, people, GO!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

A Little Bit of Administrivia

Whew, it's been a long week. I'm just back from one of the safehouses we have. Not one of the nicer ones, but it was imperative that we had to do some planning for the future of the group. What with the recent blatant attacks by the group that we know understand to be calling themselves "The League for the Suppression of the League for the Suppression of Celery" we have been forced to take some of our operation back underground. DESPITE THIS BEING AMERICA. Apparently civil rights do not apply to people who don't like celery.

On a lighter note, we've been nominated for Blogger's Choice Awards "Freakiest Blogger" category. Obviously someone thinks we're fooling around here and don't understand how serious our organization is. Well, at least they didn't nominate us for a "humor blog" category. That would have been completely insulting.

Well, at least it will get the word out about our mission, so please take some time to vote for us. You can do so easily by clicking on the Blogger's Choice Award button to the right.

Now that I'm back, we'll get back to our regularly scheduled program of dissemination news and information that will get us one stop closer to a celery-free world.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Hannah Montana, Subversive Seduction

Something was recently pointed out to me by an astute LSC member named Amy. See her hurried missive below. This arrived by a secret route passed from messenger to messenger until it got to me at the headquarters. It took a while to decode the encrypted message, but here it is. We can finally show this to you as word has reached me that Amy is tucked away into one of our many safehouses.

I was flipping through the T.V. channels earlier and I saw Miley Cyrus eating celery on that silly "Hannah Montana" show. The show isn't just encouraging kids to have multiple identities anymore -- it's encouraging the consumption of celery. Just unacceptable. I think we should boycott Miley Cyrus and the Hannah Montana empire.

So, starting today we'll begin the boycott. No more Hannah Montana, no more Miley Cyrus. We will boycott until she concedes to stop showing celery eating in any of her shows or products. Also, let the letter writing campaigns begin!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Under Attack!

We have recently received this message from a group of pro-celery terrorists. Please send the kids out of the room before you scroll down. Our celery bouncer has been notified and is prepared to take action.

Take heart, people. These activists are the types who use fear and misinformation to discourage and dishearten you. Just remember -- you are on the right path. We have turned this message into our investigative division and will report back when we have more information.

Let's keep doing business as usual until we have reason to do otherwise.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Drunk and Disorderly

After what was obviously a evening of drunkenness and debauchery (and undoubtedly a lot of swimming around in vodka and tomato juice), these two examples of the lowest forms of life were found on the beach by some joggers who were out for an early morning run.

Police were called and the layabouts have since been taken away and dealt with by local authorities.

If you want to look at the picture, please send the children out of the room first then click: Seaside Drunk and Disorderly

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Diabolical Celery Dangers

Read this horrifying tale of a woman who was nearly broken by celery in a Target store.

Do you think celery should be banished from supermarkets where kids and old people shop?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

New Celery Bouncer

Some of you might recall a few weeks ago we had an unruly bunch of celery lovers come trolling in, knocking over a few chairs and trying to cause a general ruckus.

At the time, my response was to post a want-ad for a celery bouncer. I would like to say that we have finally reached a decision as to who the celery bouncer will be. It's Heather Cherry, a delightfully witty blogger who promises she is completely and utterly up to the task of keeping the place in order.

Heather was clearly the only most qualified candidate for this position. My only reservation in accepting her request for the position is that she looks very nice. I specifically stated in my ad that I was hoping for someone scary and intimidating, but she promised vehemently that she is up for the task. I have asked that she continue her gym membership as I see bulging biceps as a plus for this job. I also asked her if she could possibly take up chewing tobacco, but she declined that request. Fair enough, I suppose.

Anyway, please do wander over to Heather's blog to give her some love. Also, leave a nice comment here welcoming her to this perilous and thankless job of Celery Bouncer.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Preying on the Weak

Since the beginning of time, unscrupulous people have been willing, often eager, to take advantage of those who are weak in some way -- sick, tired, depressed, old, unfortunate, desperate, uneducated, uninformed or whatever the case may be.

This is why we stress educating people about the dangers of celery. And it is also our duty to look out for those who cannot look out for themselves.

There is a company who maintains their guise of helping senior citizens merge old communication methods with new technology in order to communicate without the Internet. The company is called "Celery" and they have a way for seniors to send email (via fax) without ever needing to have access to the Internet.

Sure it sounds great. We've been studying the situation and have come to some conclusions. First of all, why not help seniors really embrace the technology of the Internet? This is Celery's way of keeping old people down. It keeps them from harnessing the power of technology and information so they can make informed decisions. For example, they will never read this web site and be able to decide for themselves about the dire evil of this loathsome vegetable.

Second, it creates a dependence on something with the name of Celery. It will infiltrate their mind on a subconscious level and weaken their resistance to the devil's vegetable. They will begin to think celery is good and cool and wonderful. Point in fact... more old people like celery than young people. See what I mean? Already it begins to influence our culture.

So, take action -- guard your parents and grandparents from this evil onslaught, this sly and insidious usurping of the senior citizens power. Down with celery and all it represents!

In fact, if you have a few moments write a letter to the Celery company asking them to please, for the betterment of the world, to please change their name to something less hideous like Turnip or Parsnip. I can get behind a parsnip, all the way.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Celebrity Celery-Hater: Sayaka Kanda

We have successfully uncovered another celebrity celery-hater who is not afraid to express her dislike for celery.

Sayaka Kanda is a Japanese vocalist. And she is cute, so she will make a great spokesperson for our group.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Celery Band

Boycott this band: Celery

In fact, let's make this a call to action. Go to their page right now and recommend that they cease and desist using the name "Celery" for their band.

What kind of silly name is that for a band anyway? How do they expect to command respect with a name like that? Are they using it because of the danger factor? Sorry, but celery is not "sexy danger" like skydiving or driving fast in a red car. No, it's the unsexy kind of danger like contracting leprosy or choking on a fish bone.

Go help them come up with a new name. If they want to stick with the veggie theme they could do something like... Svelte Aubergine or Turgid Carrot or The Incorrigible Cabbages or the Daring Daikons.

Way, way better! Go help them save themselves!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

More on Celery Allergens

Here is a good book excerpt from the Food Safety Hazard Guidebook.

It explains in simple terms about the dangers of celery allergens.

For those of you who think the League for the Suppression of Celery is just a group of extreme reactionaries, please read this. It's SCIENCE, people!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Celery Soup

I was checking the news feed today and discovered one of the most elaborate deceptions to date. It's the Masquerade Celery Ball.

I am not kidding.

This abomination is a fundraising event for Celery Soup (as if a Celery Ball isn't bad enough) which is a celebration of the historical and cultural heritage of Sanford and Seminole County, Florida.

While I think in general what the group is doing is admirable -- to record the memories and stories of their region -- the actual EXECUTION is totally unacceptable and in fact, could actually border on the sinister.

They are promoting and glorifying a celery heritage and are so cowardly that they can't even do it with their faces showing! We need to mobilize, people! We must organize and infiltrate for next year in order to find out who our true enemies are. All of you in that regional chapter, please organize a special meeting to educate your members about this new insidious threat disguised as good, clean, social fun.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Celery Generals

I have a mixed reaction to the video below. Anyone who is particularly sensitive about seeing celery being eaten should NOT watch the video.

Part of this clip is great -- it involves the radical destruction of celery effigies, however, there is also a little bit of celery eating involved which simply cannot be condoned or tolerated.

But whether or not you approve of this game -- at least you are informed. For better or for worse.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

New Archaeological Theory

Archaeologists working in the ruins of Pompeii uncovered a recipe for a celery dessert that called for roasting chopped celery in an oven and serving it with honey and ground pepper.

There is a theory afoot that this is the reason for the very annihilation of the city of Pompeii. It is said that ancient gods were so enraged by the Pompeiiens blatant misuse of this agricultural abomination that the gods were forced to cleanse the city by means of an erupting volcano.

People, I'm not saying it's necessarily true or that I believe such an extreme theory. However, I do ask you to study the evidence and decide for yourself. Do you really want to risk it?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Even Artists See Danger

Obviously Mike Rubenstein is a member of the League for the Suppression of Celery. Thanks, Mike!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's Okay to Say No to Celery

If you had reservations about taking my word for it that it's okay NOT to eat celery, I've found another expert you can count on.

In his recent article Overthrow the Tyranny of the Recipe, Matthew Fort says it's just fine to leave celery out of any recipe you want.

And a very special thank you to the celery abolitionist who posted the query to him in the first place. I wish I had your name so I could send you a nice fruit basket for your remarkable efforts.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Obama Celery Lovers

Well, say what you want about stimulus packages and "change" or whatever, but don't let any of this distract you from the much LARGER conspiracy that's going on right there in the White House.

In a recent story in the LA Times, it was reported that the Obamas had a bipartisan luncheon which was kicked off with CELERY SOUP.

One might say they just don't know any better. Is that it or is it something far more sinister? We'll be carefully monitoring the situation and will report back any new developments.

Stand strong, people!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Celery Monster

These are the kinds of stories that terrify children.

This is a pretty terrible film, but it does touch on the story of the little-known folk legend of the celery monster. Folklorists and historians will appreciate knowing this tale of lore.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Moving to India

I am considering a move to India.

Apparently they don't know what celery is there. Sounds like heaven to me!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Don't Eat Ugly Vegetables

Would you want to eat something that looks like this?

This is celery root. It tastes like celery and it is also on the boycott list for the League for the Suppression of Celery. If you see this vegetable on the loose, please call LSC authorities and ask about proper methods of the disposal of this hazardous waste.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


People think we at the LSC take ourselves and our cause very seriously. I think today's post will prove that we do have a sense of humor.

[cartoon credit: Yay, finally someone figured out who did this cartoon: Natalie Dee!]

Sunday, March 1, 2009

John Kerry Tapped for Spokesman Role

In an exciting turn of events, while we are in contract negotiations with Fearne Cotton, it has been decided at our last board meeting that we would approach the John Kerry camp with the idea of him possibly being our male celebrity spokesperson.

As many of you know, Kerry is a long-time celery hater. I've asked my assistant to draft a petition around to show support in favor of Kerry as our future representative. When it's ready I'll send it out to all the branch headquarters.

Very exciting times, people! Please lend your support in favor of either of these highly qualified spokespeople.

I know some of you have expressed concerns about what looked like Kerry "waffling" on the celery-hating issue. I would like to remind you that these are just YET MORE media tactics designed to cloud the issue. Kerry, like many of us, are in the difficult position of being in a "mixed marriage" (celery haters/celery lovers). Upon investigating the matter of what looks like Kerry pandering to the celery vote, we determined that the instances of celery in his hotel rider were merely concessions he made to keep his wife happy.

Let me reiterate unequivocably: John Kerry hates celery.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Now is the Time for Courage

Today when I went to the mailbox I received this picture in the mail.

Along with the picture was a note that said if we did not cease and desist with our anti-celery activism, then the man in the picture would be forced to submit to further mistreatment involving celery.

The postmark of the letter is from Kalamazoo. (Does that surprise anyone??) I called up to the LSC chapter in Kalamazoo. Those kind folks are on the front line of our fight being right there in the hotbed of Michigan celery farming.

Apparently the sad soul in this picture is named Reggie. He was a local picket line organizer for that LSC chapter and was basically the guy who got permits for public gatherings, called everyone to tell them when to show up and sometimes would be a liaison between the LSC and members of police or local government.

Just for the record, our group, while highly active, is NON-MILITANT. We do not encourage or incite violence.

Anyway, back to poor Reggie. He was last seen heading over to McDonald's to pick up a burger after work. We're not even sure he made it to McDonald's.

Here is what the note says. (Any misspellings and grammar errors are just like they are in the note):

To Whom it May Concern (you know who you are!),

We have Reggie. Enclosed is a picture so u know we have him. Do not contact the police or FBI. What u see here is just a start of what we'll do to Reggie with celery. Believe me, we have LOTS of it.

If u want him back unharmed, u must forthwith disband you're stupid little celery club and crawl back into the hole u came out of. Or your mommy's basement which is prolly where u still live, LOOSER!

This Saturday get you're group of vegitists and go stand downtown in a picket line with big signs that say, "Celery is good for you!" and "We love celery!" and "Eat celery every day!" for three hours and if you do that wi'll release Reggie somewhere downtown and give him a cell phone so he can call and tell u where to pick him up.

Don't be idiotic. We will do what we say we will!

People, now is the time for courage. I know this is the ugly side of this business, but stand tall and proud. Let's not give in. Reggie wouldn't want us to give up so easily. Stay tuned for updates as I have them.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Celery is Green. So?

What is it with eco-friendly companies naming themselves after celery? Is celery the only green vegetable that these people can think of when they are starting their companies?

Some time ago, we did an expose of Celery Furniture. Today I have run across a company called Celery Street who has a web site and a corresponding blog.

Today your call to action is to come up with some good alternative names for eco-friendly companies to use so they will not have to resort to the current gutter talk that they're doing now.

Okay, people, DO IT.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Celery-based Building Materials

We here at the LSC are outraged at the news that not only are producers and manufacturers trying to ram celery down our throats (literally) but that they would go so far as to try to use celery as a building material to build skyscrapers.

Please, pay attention all you regional supervisors of grassroots LSC offices! Be prepared on short notice to organize picketers for construction sites.

The time calls for vigilance in this matter. The reason I say this is because they're trying to bury stories like this out of the mainstream press until it's too late. I found this story at the LaLa Times.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Stop the Bleed in Michigan!

Below are some statistics about disaster relief celery growers have received. Check out the stats and then go down to my proposal below.

Historical ad hoc disaster payments for celery provide an indication of high-loss areas and may indicate areas that would face relatively high risk under a FCIC celery policy. Disaster assistance payments for celery totalled $1.2 million between 1988 and 1993. Payments for celery peaked at $363,000 in 1989, and were over $150,000 in each of the years 1990, 1991, and 1993. Ad hoc payments made for celery accounted for far less than 1 percent of the total payments made for specialty crops over the 1988-93 period.

Ad hoc disaster payments for celery were scattered over a geographically broad area. Fifteen states received payments in at least one of the 6 years. Michigan collected payments for celery losses in all years. New York collected payments in all years except 1989. California, with about 63 percent of harvested U.S. celery acreage, received only 5 percent of celery disaster payments. In contrast, Michigan, with about 8 percent of U.S. celery acreage, received 73 percent of celery disaster payments.

If Michigan is so perilous for celery, why are celery growers allowed to continue to use the greater percentage of this aid when it looks like their farming efforts are doomed from the start? They have only 8% of the celery acreage, but used 73% of disaster payments?

Write a congressman, people, and tell them they need to limit celery growing to California only. At least if we have the celery limited to one end of the continent then none of us have to worry about accidentally running into a celery field and possibly being killed.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Our Boycott Was a Success!

Our super secret boycott was a success. We had a very super secret grassroots boycott of Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda, a celery-flavored carbonated soda.

While we heap praises on Dr. Brown for his fabulous work in the area of very fine black cherry sodas, we can never forgive him for unleashing a beverage like Cel-Ray onto the unsuspecting world.

In addition, we feel that this type of marketing was irresponsibly geared toward small children who like to try new things, especially sugary sodas.

In any case, it's over now and I'd like to thank each and every one of you concerned citizens for doing your part to put down this menace.

Dr. Brown, next time you want to try a veggie flavored soda, we at the LSC will stand firmly behind any efforts you launch as long as it doesn't have celery as a flavor or ingredient.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Other Work Being Done

I ran across the page of a defunct anti-celery group. This makes me so sad! I'm sorry they didn't make it... or maybe they've just gone underground. It's hard to say.

However, they still have some great graphics over there that you might want to check out. If anyone knows the whereabouts of any of these members, please tell them there is hope. We will not fail.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day Massacre

I thought at this point in my career I would be pretty jaded to the horrors of celery consumption and other bizarre celery usages.

Today I feel shocked and dismayed like in the early years of my anti-celery crusade educational campaign. I ran across this post called "a bouquet for your Valentine" which is not a bouquet at all. It's some horrible sculpted corpses of celery amassed together with a fusion of red pepper mush. I'm calling it the Valentine's Day Massacre.

If you want to plan something wonderful for your Valentine, please don't do this. Unless, of course, it's your plan to ruin his or her night and break up with them in a cruel and horrific manner. If that's the case, go right ahead, but the League for the Suppression of Celery's Legal Department has to add the following disclaimer:
Any use or misuse of celery is not advocated by the League for the Suppression of Celery and, therefore, we are not liable for any injury or ill effects you may feel with regard to celery or celery-enhanced products.

Thank you and Happy Valentine's Day.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Latex-Food Syndrome

People who suffer from a latex allergy should also avoid celery. This is MEDICAL SCIENCE, people!

You can read the article from the Medical News Today web site.

Photo credit: Jordan Hoskins

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Sign the Petition!

Okay, people! Here is another way you can show your support...

Go check out the petition to ban celery!

We're planning a full-out petition drive as soon as we can get Fearne Cotton on the line. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

George Taylor and Kalamazoo

Today is the birthday of George Taylor, the man who brought celery to Kalamazoo, Michigan, the town that became known as "Celery City".

No, we're not celebrating his birthday, people.

I just thought it was a fitting day to warn you away from the dangers of Kalamazoo. If any of you are headed toward Michigan, please route around that place. They also have a celery museum there. The only reason I can recommend going there is to possibly form a group to picket the museum or some of the celery fields.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Celery Farmer Destroys Wetlands

The scar across London's Sifton Bog is still visible even 107 years after a celery farmer dug a trench across the native wetlands in order to divert the water to his croplands.

This short-sighted and thoughtless act began a long tradition of abuse to this natural wetland which is now in danger of being lost forever.

Boo, selfish celery farmer!

You can read more about the story at the London Free Press.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Top Chef Felled by Celery

Another dream shattered by celery!

Top Chef's Jamie was kicked off the show because of her celery dish. Was she being reckless or was she trying to kill the judges? Jamie tells "E! Online" that the dish was not her idea. "The dish I got stuck with ... was the lamest..."

A real survivor, Jamie has a good attitude about her loss. "I went home for celery [but] it's not the end of the world."

Read more about Jamie's harrowing, life-altering opinion at E! Online.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Avoid Celery Seed During Pregnancy

According to aromatherapy experts, it is advised that pregnant women avoid essential oils made from celery seed as it can stimulate the uterus and create a small chance of miscarriage.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Charlie Carlson Conspiracy Theory

1) Charlie Carlson is a writer who published a history booklet about celery farming in Florida.

2) There is a haunted celery field in Florida.

3) Charlie Carlson's grandmother was a spirit medium and a "communicator with the dead".

4) Charlie Carlson also wrote a book called "Weird Florida" in which he covers hauntings and other weird things in Florida.

I just dare any of you to tell me there's no connection between Charlie Carlson and the Haunted Celery Fields of Chapman Road.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Haunted Celery Fields

In Florida there is a place that is famous for ghosts and hauntings. It's the Celery Fields of Chapman Road where many people have seen ghostly children wandering around.

Coincidence? Hardly. We at the LSC feel that if a proper investigation were made of this situation it would come to light that these children's deaths might have actually been caused by celery in some way.

Erin Brockovich, Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, somebody please call me.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Celery Magazine

There is a magazine in Toronto called Celery. It claims to be a "celebration of words, images and ideas by people dedicated to the rejuvenation of the arts, fashion, music and culture in and around the city of Toronto."

All I can say is keep it on your side of the border, Canada!


1) Boycott the magazine
2) Write letters to the editor and ask them to change the name of the magazine to something better like Eggplant or Baby Spring Mix Lettuce or Water Chestnut.
3) Begin a grassroots letter writing campaign for this magazine to be put on a watch list for border guards.
4) Encourage your Canadian friends to write letters to influential government officials to exert Celery magazine to change its name.

I would like to say that the LSC as a group is not unreasonable. We are not asking that Celery shut its doors for good. All we want is for them to cease and desist until that time that they can relaunch their magazine with a new title.

Please do what you can to help.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Can Organic Celery Cause Cancer?

According to an article at Front Page Magazine, celery produces carcinogens when it comes under attacks from insects. It's a defense mechanism. (So, people, please stop calling celery a "defenseless vegetable".)

So, now you get to choose between chemically-coated celery or carcinogenic celery. Tough choice.

A better choice is just avoid it all. Do the right thing, buy carrots or maybe a nice parsnip or okra. Just say NO to celery.

Photo credit: jasminedelilah

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Trader Joe's Celery Stick Recall


Ready Pac is voluntarily recalling some of their celery that is packaged with peanut butter. These are sold in Trader Joe's and other groceries.

You can read the story at the OCRegister.

(Read between the lines, people! They claim it's because of the peanut butter but we're currently investigating the real reason. It's either a significantly more dangerous genetically engineered celery that was released by accident OR we have some insider executives at Ready Pac who are helping us. I'll do my best to find out more!)

Bad Gift Idea

If you're looking for a REALLY BAD GIFT IDEA, how about some celery-stamped gift wrap? Not only is this ugly, but where do you think the juice from the celery will go? It will permeate your gift wrap and could possibly also go so far as to ruin the gift inside.

So please, people, use celery responsibly which is NOT AT ALL.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Why I Left California

California produces 75% of the celery that is grown in the United States. I had no idea when I moved there. In fact, I lived right in the middle of the biggest celery producing area. The celery fields were apparently cleverly disguised as strawberry fields. They had tiny roadside stands with strawberries and sweet-looking little women who would sell these crates of beautiful, succulent berries.

It turns out all along I was surrounded by celery and as soon as I realized it, I left. Nobody should have to put up with that.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Vegetable Orchestra

The Vegetable Orchestra, while interesting, fascinating and talented, are still abusers of that smelly salad vegetable we all love to hate. Celery bongos. Seriously.

On top of that, they use 155 pounds of vegetables per show that people in Africa could be eating. Except the celery.

If you want to see the Vegetable Orchestra, please call ahead and see if they are using the celery bongos in the show that night. If so, we at the LSC request that you boycott the show. If not, you can go as long as you donate a bag of rice or something to a starving foreign country. Or for that matter, a starving domestic country.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Down with Wilmington Blue Rocks and Mr. Celery

Minor league baseball is today's major offender. Not only do they tolerate celery in the confines of their city... they actively promote it.

Gird your loins and then go over and read the article about Mr. Celery.

Don't lose heart, people. We will not go down without a fight.

Citizens of Wilmington, we beg you. PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Boycott Duda Farms

Duda Farm has apparently bioengineered celery to grow into a tube-shaped straw. It's not enough to have to suppress regular celery, but now to have to deal with bioengineered abominations such as CELERY STRAWS??

So, please, people... celery is still celery no matter what freakish shape it's grown in. Don't eat it. Don't suck Blood Mary drinks through it. You know they are just trying to fool you.

Give up, Duda Farms. We are on to you!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Running Man Nearly Killed by Celery

Today I discovered another near-victim of the devil's vegetable. Poor Jason was going out for a jog when he was nearly strangled by a piece of celery.

DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, EVEN FOR A MOMENT. Learn from Jason's mistake. Be vigilant, be alert, stay alive!

Photo credit: Sturmey Archer

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Celery and Pheromones

The following information will probably deeply disturb most of you as it did me. In fact, I think I might have to take a week off from posting on this blog because I am so disgusted and disheartened.

There is talk going around that you can use celery as an aphrodisiac by eating it and then it will give off a scent that apparently drives women wild.

As a result of irresponsible people passing these rumors around the Internet there are a whole bunch of strange men racing around trying to collect sweat out of their smelly armpits in order to get women to like them.

This is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to start. And so, brave League members, I have to say in my moment of weakness I will just point you to the evidence and then go to bed. I hope I can find my strength again tomorrow.

My apologies.

Photo credit: Eliya

Friday, January 2, 2009

Celery Comes with Warning Labels in Europe

Those nice folks over the European Union are slightly more advanced that we Americans when it comes to warning the public about the dangers of celery.

In some countries of the EU, such as France, Germany and Switzerland, celery is one of the most common foods to cause allergic reactions in adults, much like peanuts in the U.S.

In fact, it's SO dangerous there that since November 2005, a food labeling rule was established that requires that pre-packaged food sold in the UK and EU be clearly marked as containing celery if the ingredients contain any amount of celery.

You can read more about it at the Food Standards Agency.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy Celery-Free New Year!

Here's wishing you a celery-free New Year!

Do you have any resolutions? At least one should include living completely celery free. Another should include promoting the celery-free lifestyle among friends and family.

Activism starts at home, people!

Let's make a big difference in 2009!