Monday, November 14, 2011

Latest Inductee: Dustin Keith

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce our latest inductee into the League for the Suppression of Celery. Please go to Dustin's web site and welcome him. Let's support our fellow comrades in the fight against the green scourge.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Nitrate-Free Hot Dog LIE

According to Consumer Reports, there are three brands of hot dogs we should be watching out for: Applegate Farms, Coleman Naturals and Whole Ranch.

These producers claim their products have "no added nitrates", but what they do have is an abundance of a natural source of nitrate... CELERY JUICE.

Celery juice and celery powders are nitrates and in large doses nitrates are bad for you.  So, don't think you're getting around nitrates by eating these other dogs.  In fact, avoid them because they use the WORST kind of nitrates -- celery-induced nitrates.


Friday, November 11, 2011

Sesame Street

I have mentioned frequently the subversive and dangerous influence of people who are in charge of television programming for children.

We have recently unearthed from a vault another example of the insideous and blatant brainwashing that has occurred over the years -- this one a notable and well-respected show:  Sesame Street.  We had an inside track on this. It was procured by an industry insider for us. Thank you, whistleblowers everywhere.

Before you watch this, please send the children out of the room.  And also have air sickness bags at the ready.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Latest Inductee: Greg Manzer

I would like to proudly present our latest inductee into the League for the Suppression of Celery: Greg Manzer, chef of Bonterra Trattoria in Calgary, Canada.

Not only does he hate celery, he claims that it will never, ever show up in his restaurant, so if you're ever in Calgary, you can consider Bonterra Trattoria a safe place to visit.

Check out the interview of Glen Manzer by Kim Gray for the Calgary Herald.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Giant Celery

Apparently not only do we have to worry about the PROLIFERATION of celery, we also have to worry about celery in massive proportions.

At least you can see this one coming from a distance, it's not like they can slip it into your soup or anything, but once the momentum gets behind this thing it could be a killer.

We currently have a source that will hopefully be informing us as to the origins of the giant celery, where it's being grown, etc. As soon as I know something I will update you.  Until then -- continued vigilance, my friends!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Ventura County: The New Hot Spot

A recent report has come across my desk. It looks like Ventura County is our latest hot spot that needs attention. Cell leaders, please connect with me over your broadband voice connections to receive your new orders.

Read this as your background material before we talk:

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Celery Damages Awarded: $1.1M

Joke all you want, but when the court awards $1.1M dollars as an award for tainted celery, you know it's time to start taking us seriously.


Check it:

Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Great Royal Celery Conspiracy

Apparently, it's not enough that the English try to subjugate the entire world way back then and make us ruin our tea in the Boston Harbor and woo us with fancy weddings of the children and grandchildren of the Royal Family.

No, none of that is nearly subversive enough.

They have to take it one step further and offer Prince Charles's celery growing as a free tourist attraction where anyone, even children, could come across this public abomination.

Write the president, write your English ambassador. Tell them we will not tolerate this in-your-face behavior from a free world country.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Michele Bachman, Anti-Christ

I probably don't need to add a lot to this.  Watch the video, it will chill you to the BONE.

Get the word out. Bachman loves celery and she must be stopped. We can't have this business in the White House -- imagine at every turn large platters of celery everywhere.

Oh those celery loves are deviant and subversive.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Congratulations, We're Making Progress

About this time last year we reported that celery was ranked as the TOP most pesticide-ridden vegetable in the known universe.

We are happy to report that we're making progress in our fight against celery. This year in the current release of the "Dirty Dozen", celery is ranked only #2.

As we have hacked away at the villainous celery minions, we've weakened their hold and there is a slight reduction in their power.  But do not celebrate too long and let your guard down.  There is a long way to go. We must fight the good fight until the very end.

But for now, celebrate it up right, be proud at what you've accomplished in the last year and let's start again strong tomorrow!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Celery Dangers to Men

Our crack team of investigators have been working on a documentary about the dangers of celery to men.  We're investigating certain theories such as reduction in sperm count, abberant social behaviors and an increased desire to basket weave.

Here is just a small look at the bigger study we're working on.  I'm telling you, people, this is getting serious.