Sunday, March 1, 2009

John Kerry Tapped for Spokesman Role

In an exciting turn of events, while we are in contract negotiations with Fearne Cotton, it has been decided at our last board meeting that we would approach the John Kerry camp with the idea of him possibly being our male celebrity spokesperson.

As many of you know, Kerry is a long-time celery hater. I've asked my assistant to draft a petition around to show support in favor of Kerry as our future representative. When it's ready I'll send it out to all the branch headquarters.

Very exciting times, people! Please lend your support in favor of either of these highly qualified spokespeople.

I know some of you have expressed concerns about what looked like Kerry "waffling" on the celery-hating issue. I would like to remind you that these are just YET MORE media tactics designed to cloud the issue. Kerry, like many of us, are in the difficult position of being in a "mixed marriage" (celery haters/celery lovers). Upon investigating the matter of what looks like Kerry pandering to the celery vote, we determined that the instances of celery in his hotel rider were merely concessions he made to keep his wife happy.

Let me reiterate unequivocably: John Kerry hates celery.

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