Saturday, May 30, 2009

Celery Diet

There is something going around the Internet called the "Celery Diet". Well, why don't we call this what it really is... the diet of death.

I don't know how got this started, but I strongly consider this an act of terrorism against heavyset Americans. Please, people, diet responsibly. If you have to do something extreme, for heaven's sake, do the cabbage soup diet or perhaps the infamous cardiac hospital diet.

Being thin is not worth the risk involved in this extreme and dangerous celery diet. Don't succumb to peer pressure. If you feel the need to do something risky, please call our hotline. Volunteers are standing by.

[photo credit: flitzy phoebie]

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Indian Celery

We've just received word about something worrisome that some of you might not know about. This is a new type of insidious danger lurking in the ground, possibly right under your very feet.

It's called Indian Celery and apparently grows wild in places. It's not a traditional celery, but it tastes similar and for that reason it's probably best to just avoid it until we learn more about its properties.

We've obtained official samples that have been sent to a lab and will report back as soon as we know something.

Don't panic, just use caution.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Save the Chickens!

It's like there is an epidemic of animal abuse going on lately. Somewhere at this very moment there is a group of chickens who are being forced to peck at a celery bag pinata for the sick amusement of humans.

Please help bring awareness to this sick, sporting practice. Set the chickens free! Just say NO to celery bag pinatas!!

Run right over to that blog and see if we can't say something convincing that might help.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Update: Celery Allergy

Here is a new update on the oral allergy syndrome and celery causing anaphylactic shock: See Information Liberation

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Save the Rabbits!

Okay, people! Get ready, because we have a MISSION!

We must mobilize to save some rabbits that are being abused. Not only are they being held captive, but while being held captive they are being fed celery AND on top of being fed celery, their kidnappers are making sport of it.

Imagine these innocent bunnies in the ring with celery and all around them are screaming men with fists full of sweaty money. This is a Michael Vick scenario all over again.

Run, don't walk, straight over to the blog of a girl named tor and help me convince her that she needs to reform her ways. We must stop the madness.

Go, people, GO!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

A Little Bit of Administrivia

Whew, it's been a long week. I'm just back from one of the safehouses we have. Not one of the nicer ones, but it was imperative that we had to do some planning for the future of the group. What with the recent blatant attacks by the group that we know understand to be calling themselves "The League for the Suppression of the League for the Suppression of Celery" we have been forced to take some of our operation back underground. DESPITE THIS BEING AMERICA. Apparently civil rights do not apply to people who don't like celery.

On a lighter note, we've been nominated for Blogger's Choice Awards "Freakiest Blogger" category. Obviously someone thinks we're fooling around here and don't understand how serious our organization is. Well, at least they didn't nominate us for a "humor blog" category. That would have been completely insulting.

Well, at least it will get the word out about our mission, so please take some time to vote for us. You can do so easily by clicking on the Blogger's Choice Award button to the right.

Now that I'm back, we'll get back to our regularly scheduled program of dissemination news and information that will get us one stop closer to a celery-free world.