Friday, February 27, 2009

Now is the Time for Courage

Today when I went to the mailbox I received this picture in the mail.

Along with the picture was a note that said if we did not cease and desist with our anti-celery activism, then the man in the picture would be forced to submit to further mistreatment involving celery.

The postmark of the letter is from Kalamazoo. (Does that surprise anyone??) I called up to the LSC chapter in Kalamazoo. Those kind folks are on the front line of our fight being right there in the hotbed of Michigan celery farming.

Apparently the sad soul in this picture is named Reggie. He was a local picket line organizer for that LSC chapter and was basically the guy who got permits for public gatherings, called everyone to tell them when to show up and sometimes would be a liaison between the LSC and members of police or local government.

Just for the record, our group, while highly active, is NON-MILITANT. We do not encourage or incite violence.

Anyway, back to poor Reggie. He was last seen heading over to McDonald's to pick up a burger after work. We're not even sure he made it to McDonald's.

Here is what the note says. (Any misspellings and grammar errors are just like they are in the note):

To Whom it May Concern (you know who you are!),

We have Reggie. Enclosed is a picture so u know we have him. Do not contact the police or FBI. What u see here is just a start of what we'll do to Reggie with celery. Believe me, we have LOTS of it.

If u want him back unharmed, u must forthwith disband you're stupid little celery club and crawl back into the hole u came out of. Or your mommy's basement which is prolly where u still live, LOOSER!

This Saturday get you're group of vegitists and go stand downtown in a picket line with big signs that say, "Celery is good for you!" and "We love celery!" and "Eat celery every day!" for three hours and if you do that wi'll release Reggie somewhere downtown and give him a cell phone so he can call and tell u where to pick him up.

Don't be idiotic. We will do what we say we will!

People, now is the time for courage. I know this is the ugly side of this business, but stand tall and proud. Let's not give in. Reggie wouldn't want us to give up so easily. Stay tuned for updates as I have them.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Celery is Green. So?

What is it with eco-friendly companies naming themselves after celery? Is celery the only green vegetable that these people can think of when they are starting their companies?

Some time ago, we did an expose of Celery Furniture. Today I have run across a company called Celery Street who has a web site and a corresponding blog.

Today your call to action is to come up with some good alternative names for eco-friendly companies to use so they will not have to resort to the current gutter talk that they're doing now.

Okay, people, DO IT.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Celery-based Building Materials

We here at the LSC are outraged at the news that not only are producers and manufacturers trying to ram celery down our throats (literally) but that they would go so far as to try to use celery as a building material to build skyscrapers.

Please, pay attention all you regional supervisors of grassroots LSC offices! Be prepared on short notice to organize picketers for construction sites.

The time calls for vigilance in this matter. The reason I say this is because they're trying to bury stories like this out of the mainstream press until it's too late. I found this story at the LaLa Times.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Stop the Bleed in Michigan!

Below are some statistics about disaster relief celery growers have received. Check out the stats and then go down to my proposal below.

Historical ad hoc disaster payments for celery provide an indication of high-loss areas and may indicate areas that would face relatively high risk under a FCIC celery policy. Disaster assistance payments for celery totalled $1.2 million between 1988 and 1993. Payments for celery peaked at $363,000 in 1989, and were over $150,000 in each of the years 1990, 1991, and 1993. Ad hoc payments made for celery accounted for far less than 1 percent of the total payments made for specialty crops over the 1988-93 period.

Ad hoc disaster payments for celery were scattered over a geographically broad area. Fifteen states received payments in at least one of the 6 years. Michigan collected payments for celery losses in all years. New York collected payments in all years except 1989. California, with about 63 percent of harvested U.S. celery acreage, received only 5 percent of celery disaster payments. In contrast, Michigan, with about 8 percent of U.S. celery acreage, received 73 percent of celery disaster payments.

If Michigan is so perilous for celery, why are celery growers allowed to continue to use the greater percentage of this aid when it looks like their farming efforts are doomed from the start? They have only 8% of the celery acreage, but used 73% of disaster payments?

Write a congressman, people, and tell them they need to limit celery growing to California only. At least if we have the celery limited to one end of the continent then none of us have to worry about accidentally running into a celery field and possibly being killed.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Our Boycott Was a Success!

Our super secret boycott was a success. We had a very super secret grassroots boycott of Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda, a celery-flavored carbonated soda.

While we heap praises on Dr. Brown for his fabulous work in the area of very fine black cherry sodas, we can never forgive him for unleashing a beverage like Cel-Ray onto the unsuspecting world.

In addition, we feel that this type of marketing was irresponsibly geared toward small children who like to try new things, especially sugary sodas.

In any case, it's over now and I'd like to thank each and every one of you concerned citizens for doing your part to put down this menace.

Dr. Brown, next time you want to try a veggie flavored soda, we at the LSC will stand firmly behind any efforts you launch as long as it doesn't have celery as a flavor or ingredient.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Other Work Being Done

I ran across the page of a defunct anti-celery group. This makes me so sad! I'm sorry they didn't make it... or maybe they've just gone underground. It's hard to say.

However, they still have some great graphics over there that you might want to check out. If anyone knows the whereabouts of any of these members, please tell them there is hope. We will not fail.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day Massacre

I thought at this point in my career I would be pretty jaded to the horrors of celery consumption and other bizarre celery usages.

Today I feel shocked and dismayed like in the early years of my anti-celery crusade educational campaign. I ran across this post called "a bouquet for your Valentine" which is not a bouquet at all. It's some horrible sculpted corpses of celery amassed together with a fusion of red pepper mush. I'm calling it the Valentine's Day Massacre.

If you want to plan something wonderful for your Valentine, please don't do this. Unless, of course, it's your plan to ruin his or her night and break up with them in a cruel and horrific manner. If that's the case, go right ahead, but the League for the Suppression of Celery's Legal Department has to add the following disclaimer:
Any use or misuse of celery is not advocated by the League for the Suppression of Celery and, therefore, we are not liable for any injury or ill effects you may feel with regard to celery or celery-enhanced products.

Thank you and Happy Valentine's Day.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Latex-Food Syndrome

People who suffer from a latex allergy should also avoid celery. This is MEDICAL SCIENCE, people!

You can read the article from the Medical News Today web site.

Photo credit: Jordan Hoskins

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Sign the Petition!

Okay, people! Here is another way you can show your support...

Go check out the petition to ban celery!

We're planning a full-out petition drive as soon as we can get Fearne Cotton on the line. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

George Taylor and Kalamazoo

Today is the birthday of George Taylor, the man who brought celery to Kalamazoo, Michigan, the town that became known as "Celery City".

No, we're not celebrating his birthday, people.

I just thought it was a fitting day to warn you away from the dangers of Kalamazoo. If any of you are headed toward Michigan, please route around that place. They also have a celery museum there. The only reason I can recommend going there is to possibly form a group to picket the museum or some of the celery fields.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Celery Farmer Destroys Wetlands

The scar across London's Sifton Bog is still visible even 107 years after a celery farmer dug a trench across the native wetlands in order to divert the water to his croplands.

This short-sighted and thoughtless act began a long tradition of abuse to this natural wetland which is now in danger of being lost forever.

Boo, selfish celery farmer!

You can read more about the story at the London Free Press.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Top Chef Felled by Celery

Another dream shattered by celery!

Top Chef's Jamie was kicked off the show because of her celery dish. Was she being reckless or was she trying to kill the judges? Jamie tells "E! Online" that the dish was not her idea. "The dish I got stuck with ... was the lamest..."

A real survivor, Jamie has a good attitude about her loss. "I went home for celery [but] it's not the end of the world."

Read more about Jamie's harrowing, life-altering opinion at E! Online.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Avoid Celery Seed During Pregnancy

According to aromatherapy experts, it is advised that pregnant women avoid essential oils made from celery seed as it can stimulate the uterus and create a small chance of miscarriage.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Charlie Carlson Conspiracy Theory

1) Charlie Carlson is a writer who published a history booklet about celery farming in Florida.

2) There is a haunted celery field in Florida.

3) Charlie Carlson's grandmother was a spirit medium and a "communicator with the dead".

4) Charlie Carlson also wrote a book called "Weird Florida" in which he covers hauntings and other weird things in Florida.

I just dare any of you to tell me there's no connection between Charlie Carlson and the Haunted Celery Fields of Chapman Road.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Haunted Celery Fields

In Florida there is a place that is famous for ghosts and hauntings. It's the Celery Fields of Chapman Road where many people have seen ghostly children wandering around.

Coincidence? Hardly. We at the LSC feel that if a proper investigation were made of this situation it would come to light that these children's deaths might have actually been caused by celery in some way.

Erin Brockovich, Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, somebody please call me.