Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Boycott: Fenland Celery

We have spoken before of the detrimental agricultural downsides of celery production.

To exacerbate this, celery producers in England are making the matter worse by trying to romanticize and thereby revitalized the movement toward Fenland celery which takes even MORE square footage of land to produce than regular supermarket celery.

We vehemently protest the use of Earth's resources for this abomination and urge you to boycott Fendland celery.

Thank you.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Wicked Plants

Amy Stewart is our latest hero here at the League for the Suppression of Celery.  She has written a book called Wicked Plants: The Weed that Killed Lincoln's Mother and other Botanical Atrocities and has included in it a section on the phototoxicity of celery which we brought to light several years ago.

We highly recommend you run right out and get this book and support Amy in her efforts to promote greater justice in the world of agriculture.

The Weed That Killed Lincoln’s Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities. - See more at: http://mvgazette.com/news/2013/12/24/sinister-side-celery-revealed?k=vg52bc5675210d6#comment-160872
The Weed That Killed Lincoln’s Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities. - See more at: http://mvgazette.com/news/2013/12/24/sinister-side-celery-revealed?k=vg52bc5675210d6#comment-160872
The Weed That Killed Lincoln’s Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities. - See more at: http://mvgazette.com/news/2013/12/24/sinister-side-celery-revealed?k=vg52bc5675210d6#comment-160872

Boycott: Musician Kathleen Hanna

We were ready to fall in love with her, because we understand the sentiment about the sushi. Especially during those moments when we are at the safe house and have no access to it.

However, this?

What's your drink?
Dr. Brown's Cel-ray Soda.

The excerpt above is from New York Magazine's interview of musician Kathleen Hanna.  While we can appreciate her creativity and social sensitivities, the League for the Suppression of Celery does not condone her use or promotion of a product that glorifies the use of celery.

Call me a hysteric, but Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda is a gateway drug for the use of real celery, people.  Don't let its cute label fool you.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Try a Less Stupid Name

One of our members in San Francisco brought the company Airbrite to our attention.

They have a product they've named "Celery" because it's a pun on the word "sell" and they want to help you sell your stuff.

We aren't rocket scientists here at the League for the Suppression of Celery, but we know a stupid name when we hear it.  And if you want to be clever and try to SELL something, maybe you should use a pun that doesn't make people feel like vomiting when they hear it.  Maybe something inspiring and motivating.

Now, we realize on this blog we're sometimes really critical and possibly not always constructive.  So, in an effort to be more helpful, we have been sitting around over tea and donuts and spent some time brainstorming in order to help Airbrite out a little bit.

A few words that sound like SELL but don't make you want to vomit:


Take "celestify" as an example.  It's a verb that means "to make like heaven." It sounds like "sell" and therefore combines the best of both concepts -- selling something which makes your life like heaven because we live in a culture of rabid consumerism and buying things makes us more complete and also feel euphoric.

So, if you feel like they should change their name, please click straight over to the www.trycelery.com web site and give them your opinion on the matter.  Forthwith!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Snack Abomination

In an effort to make celery more palatable to children, we have these people, doing this thing: Celery Root Chips

Please, people, do not be fooled by the fact that they look so similar to potato chips.  In fact, consider this a call to more vigilant at parties where snacks are served because it's obvious that the celery lovers are trying to trick you into trying this snack abomination.

Also, just because you baked them instead of fried them doesn't mean it's any better.

Nice try, villains, but we're smarter than you think.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Celery Stays on "Dirty Dozen" List for 2013

As you know, we make it very clear all the ways that celery is bad -- even dangerous.  One of these ways is our yearly monitoring of EWG's "Dirty Dozen" report.

The 2013 report was just released and, again (no surprise), celery is on the list at #2.

Don't take our word for it, you can read about it directly from the Environmental Working Group's summary. Scroll down to find the "Dirty Dozen" and also their other feature the "Clean Fifteen."

We would also like to remind you we have been pointing this out as a potential problem as early as January of 2009 and again in July of the same year.  You can read those articles below:

Can Organic Celery Cause Cancer?
Beware of New Zealand Celery

Don't think you can get around it by eating organic.  The only way to stay truly safe is to not eat it at all.  JUST SAY NO.

Stay safe out there, people.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Will Forte Sold His Soul to the Devil

Will Forte, famous for his antics on Saturday Night Live, sold his soul to the devil for his success.  But don't take my word for it.  It's clearly stated in a recent expose by Jake Coyle, entertainment writer for Associated Press.

In an article at Huffington Post, Forte admits that his mother was horrified by it. As she should be.  I'm sure because she raised him better than that.  If you're going to debase yourself and humiliate your mother you might as well go with something respectable like a carrot or a nice, firm zucchini squash.

If you're not utterly convinced that Will Forte will do anything for money you can see the evidence yourself here:   Celery Scene from MacGruber

Adding insult to injury, Forte goes on to actually eat the celery.

(Please do not watch if you have some kind of emotional infirmity. Or a pacemaker. Or are at work.)

Monday, January 28, 2013

Unsung Heroine: Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg recently penned a beautiful article in response to The NY Times' outrageous claims that celery is good for you.

Not only should Ms. Ortberg be praised for her bold stand against celery-usage, but also for her eloquence in such a call to arms.

Thank you, Ms. Ortberg for your dedication to the anti-celery cause.  We at The League for the Suppression of Celery salute you.

Article can be found here: gawker.com

Wednesday, January 2, 2013