Saturday, March 28, 2009

More on Celery Allergens

Here is a good book excerpt from the Food Safety Hazard Guidebook.

It explains in simple terms about the dangers of celery allergens.

For those of you who think the League for the Suppression of Celery is just a group of extreme reactionaries, please read this. It's SCIENCE, people!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Celery Soup

I was checking the news feed today and discovered one of the most elaborate deceptions to date. It's the Masquerade Celery Ball.

I am not kidding.

This abomination is a fundraising event for Celery Soup (as if a Celery Ball isn't bad enough) which is a celebration of the historical and cultural heritage of Sanford and Seminole County, Florida.

While I think in general what the group is doing is admirable -- to record the memories and stories of their region -- the actual EXECUTION is totally unacceptable and in fact, could actually border on the sinister.

They are promoting and glorifying a celery heritage and are so cowardly that they can't even do it with their faces showing! We need to mobilize, people! We must organize and infiltrate for next year in order to find out who our true enemies are. All of you in that regional chapter, please organize a special meeting to educate your members about this new insidious threat disguised as good, clean, social fun.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Celery Generals

I have a mixed reaction to the video below. Anyone who is particularly sensitive about seeing celery being eaten should NOT watch the video.

Part of this clip is great -- it involves the radical destruction of celery effigies, however, there is also a little bit of celery eating involved which simply cannot be condoned or tolerated.

But whether or not you approve of this game -- at least you are informed. For better or for worse.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

New Archaeological Theory

Archaeologists working in the ruins of Pompeii uncovered a recipe for a celery dessert that called for roasting chopped celery in an oven and serving it with honey and ground pepper.

There is a theory afoot that this is the reason for the very annihilation of the city of Pompeii. It is said that ancient gods were so enraged by the Pompeiiens blatant misuse of this agricultural abomination that the gods were forced to cleanse the city by means of an erupting volcano.

People, I'm not saying it's necessarily true or that I believe such an extreme theory. However, I do ask you to study the evidence and decide for yourself. Do you really want to risk it?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Even Artists See Danger

Obviously Mike Rubenstein is a member of the League for the Suppression of Celery. Thanks, Mike!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's Okay to Say No to Celery

If you had reservations about taking my word for it that it's okay NOT to eat celery, I've found another expert you can count on.

In his recent article Overthrow the Tyranny of the Recipe, Matthew Fort says it's just fine to leave celery out of any recipe you want.

And a very special thank you to the celery abolitionist who posted the query to him in the first place. I wish I had your name so I could send you a nice fruit basket for your remarkable efforts.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Obama Celery Lovers

Well, say what you want about stimulus packages and "change" or whatever, but don't let any of this distract you from the much LARGER conspiracy that's going on right there in the White House.

In a recent story in the LA Times, it was reported that the Obamas had a bipartisan luncheon which was kicked off with CELERY SOUP.

One might say they just don't know any better. Is that it or is it something far more sinister? We'll be carefully monitoring the situation and will report back any new developments.

Stand strong, people!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Celery Monster

These are the kinds of stories that terrify children.

This is a pretty terrible film, but it does touch on the story of the little-known folk legend of the celery monster. Folklorists and historians will appreciate knowing this tale of lore.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Moving to India

I am considering a move to India.

Apparently they don't know what celery is there. Sounds like heaven to me!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Don't Eat Ugly Vegetables

Would you want to eat something that looks like this?

This is celery root. It tastes like celery and it is also on the boycott list for the League for the Suppression of Celery. If you see this vegetable on the loose, please call LSC authorities and ask about proper methods of the disposal of this hazardous waste.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


People think we at the LSC take ourselves and our cause very seriously. I think today's post will prove that we do have a sense of humor.

[cartoon credit: Yay, finally someone figured out who did this cartoon: Natalie Dee!]

Sunday, March 1, 2009

John Kerry Tapped for Spokesman Role

In an exciting turn of events, while we are in contract negotiations with Fearne Cotton, it has been decided at our last board meeting that we would approach the John Kerry camp with the idea of him possibly being our male celebrity spokesperson.

As many of you know, Kerry is a long-time celery hater. I've asked my assistant to draft a petition around to show support in favor of Kerry as our future representative. When it's ready I'll send it out to all the branch headquarters.

Very exciting times, people! Please lend your support in favor of either of these highly qualified spokespeople.

I know some of you have expressed concerns about what looked like Kerry "waffling" on the celery-hating issue. I would like to remind you that these are just YET MORE media tactics designed to cloud the issue. Kerry, like many of us, are in the difficult position of being in a "mixed marriage" (celery haters/celery lovers). Upon investigating the matter of what looks like Kerry pandering to the celery vote, we determined that the instances of celery in his hotel rider were merely concessions he made to keep his wife happy.

Let me reiterate unequivocably: John Kerry hates celery.