Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Preying on the Weak

Since the beginning of time, unscrupulous people have been willing, often eager, to take advantage of those who are weak in some way -- sick, tired, depressed, old, unfortunate, desperate, uneducated, uninformed or whatever the case may be.

This is why we stress educating people about the dangers of celery. And it is also our duty to look out for those who cannot look out for themselves.

There is a company who maintains their guise of helping senior citizens merge old communication methods with new technology in order to communicate without the Internet. The company is called "Celery" and they have a way for seniors to send email (via fax) without ever needing to have access to the Internet.

Sure it sounds great. We've been studying the situation and have come to some conclusions. First of all, why not help seniors really embrace the technology of the Internet? This is Celery's way of keeping old people down. It keeps them from harnessing the power of technology and information so they can make informed decisions. For example, they will never read this web site and be able to decide for themselves about the dire evil of this loathsome vegetable.

Second, it creates a dependence on something with the name of Celery. It will infiltrate their mind on a subconscious level and weaken their resistance to the devil's vegetable. They will begin to think celery is good and cool and wonderful. Point in fact... more old people like celery than young people. See what I mean? Already it begins to influence our culture.

So, take action -- guard your parents and grandparents from this evil onslaught, this sly and insidious usurping of the senior citizens power. Down with celery and all it represents!

In fact, if you have a few moments write a letter to the Celery company asking them to please, for the betterment of the world, to please change their name to something less hideous like Turnip or Parsnip. I can get behind a parsnip, all the way.


Heather Cherry said...

Using a fax machine to email? Old blue-hairs are so funny.

So I take it you're in favor of the Celery company changing their name to any vegetable ending in "nip"?

Shawn said...

Send handwritten email, eh? Well, it's finally happened. Our technology has reached critical mass, and is now starting to roll in reverse.

P.L. Frederick said...

The awfulest thing about celery is it gets stuck in the teeth. Them stringy bits, they wedge themselves in between the canines and molars, they grab tight and they won't come out, even with a sharp wooden pick. Then the teeth feel all tight and ornery. But now, with some newfangled robot invention, celery can fax itself directly into my mouth and affix to my choppers? And compose insulting letters? That's it. From now on I'm carrying my potato cannon at all times.

P.L. Frederick (Small & Big)