Monday, June 7, 2010

Celery Makes "The Dirty Dozen"

Finally, what we have been saying all along has come to pass.

Recently the Environmental Working Group's sixth "Shopper's Guide to Pesticides" has come out and number one on their list of most-contaminated produce?    CELERY

Don't take my word for it, you can read about it in the Chicago Tribune article or even from the EWG's information itself.

Not to brag or say I told you so, but we'd like to mention we pointed out this potential problem as early as January of 2009 and again in July of the same year.  You can read those articles below:

Can Organic Celery Cause Cancer?
Beware of New Zealand Celery

Here at the safehouse we're breaking out the champagne.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

An Insidious New Threat

Those of you who have been in the LCS for a long time understand the comfort of eating your favorite products and at familiar restaurants. For one moment you can relax your guard and hope that nobody has changed something on you.

But when we trace those familiar haunts of ours, sometimes it can also cause an unnoticed complacency. I know this because I became a victim of my own complacency, in my own overconfidence.

Recently I decided to try a new restaurant, a Thai place that recently opened up in a nearby town. I have discovered that the restaurant is being run by a group of celery-activists of a different kind -- the WORST kind who are covert in forcing celery onto an unsuspecting public.

How do they do it? CELERY LEAVES

I know! Most of the time when they try to hide it, they go to great pains by putting, say, celery seeds into dressings or celery powder into spice mixes. But this... this is real chunks of celery that they lob into their food in tiny, limp, floppy celeryness that is nearly impossible to pick out, yet as deadly as if they had just stabbed you in the eye with some Crudités.

Oh, I long for the days when celery lovers had the nerve to lace their food with big, rustic chunks of celery that you could avoid like Vietnamese landmines.

No, my friends, this is ushering in a new age of subversion. Don't let your guard down.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Celery Poet

An immediate intervention is required. This gentleman has apparently had some sort of toxic overdose of celery poisons and is immersed in mad ramblings.

We fear there may be something sinister afoot -- perhaps an angry roommate has tried to poison him or it's a misguided attempt at a healthier lifestyle during which he made the poor choice of introducing more celery into his diet. Perhaps a well-meaning vegetarian girlfriend who doesn't know any better.

In any case, please get over there immediately and help us talk him down. And whatever Chapter of the LSC covers his area, mobilize your intervention units and track down where he lives and send the hazmat team.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dare to Be... Celery Free

Today's abomination is the latest "Color Dare" referred to as "Tempting Chocolate Celery".

The fashionistas over there are trying to inspire your creativity by having your combine brown and green together in a neo-70's color trend remodel. And they do this by calling brown and green something they think is way more exciting and sexy... Tempting Chocolate Celery.

While I'll give them the chocolate part, I have to say they not only have fallen short of the mark on the celery part. Celery is not only terribly unsexy aesthetically, but also detrimental to one's body and mind. Chocolate Celery is about as tempting as, say, "Chocolate Styrofoam" or "Chocolate Stringy Lint in Your Teeth" or "Chocolate Waste of Premium Agricultural Land Complete with Government Subsidies".

Come on, clever crafting fashionistas. You can surely do better than trying to make celery into something it's not. Please try, try again.