Hannah Montana, Subversive Seduction

Something was recently pointed out to me by an astute LSC member named Amy. See her hurried missive below. This arrived by a secret route passed from messenger to messenger until it got to me at the headquarters. It took a while to decode the encrypted message, but here it is. We can finally show this to you as word has reached me that Amy is tucked away into one of our many safehouses.

I was flipping through the T.V. channels earlier and I saw Miley Cyrus eating celery on that silly "Hannah Montana" show. The show isn't just encouraging kids to have multiple identities anymore -- it's encouraging the consumption of celery. Just unacceptable. I think we should boycott Miley Cyrus and the Hannah Montana empire.

So, starting today we'll begin the boycott. No more Hannah Montana, no more Miley Cyrus. We will boycott until she concedes to stop showing celery eating in any of her shows or products. Also, let the letter writing campaigns begin!

Under Attack!

We have recently received this message from a group of pro-celery terrorists. Please send the kids out of the room before you scroll down. Our celery bouncer has been notified and is prepared to take action.

Take heart, people. These activists are the types who use fear and misinformation to discourage and dishearten you. Just remember -- you are on the right path. We have turned this message into our investigative division and will report back when we have more information.

Let's keep doing business as usual until we have reason to do otherwise.

Drunk and Disorderly

After what was obviously a evening of drunkenness and debauchery (and undoubtedly a lot of swimming around in vodka and tomato juice), these two examples of the lowest forms of life were found on the beach by some joggers who were out for an early morning run.

Police were called and the layabouts have since been taken away and dealt with by local authorities.

If you want to look at the picture, please send the children out of the room first then click: Seaside Drunk and Disorderly

Diabolical Celery Dangers

Read this horrifying tale of a woman who was nearly broken by celery in a Target store.

Do you think celery should be banished from supermarkets where kids and old people shop?

New Celery Bouncer

Some of you might recall a few weeks ago we had an unruly bunch of celery lovers come trolling in, knocking over a few chairs and trying to cause a general ruckus.

At the time, my response was to post a want-ad for a celery bouncer. I would like to say that we have finally reached a decision as to who the celery bouncer will be. It's Heather Cherry, a delightfully witty blogger who promises she is completely and utterly up to the task of keeping the place in order.

Heather was clearly the only most qualified candidate for this position. My only reservation in accepting her request for the position is that she looks very nice. I specifically stated in my ad that I was hoping for someone scary and intimidating, but she promised vehemently that she is up for the task. I have asked that she continue her gym membership as I see bulging biceps as a plus for this job. I also asked her if she could possibly take up chewing tobacco, but she declined that request. Fair enough, I suppose.

Anyway, please do wander over to Heather's blog to give her some love. Also, leave a nice comment here welcoming her to this perilous and thankless job of Celery Bouncer.

Preying on the Weak

Since the beginning of time, unscrupulous people have been willing, often eager, to take advantage of those who are weak in some way -- sick, tired, depressed, old, unfortunate, desperate, uneducated, uninformed or whatever the case may be.

This is why we stress educating people about the dangers of celery. And it is also our duty to look out for those who cannot look out for themselves.

There is a company who maintains their guise of helping senior citizens merge old communication methods with new technology in order to communicate without the Internet. The company is called "Celery" and they have a way for seniors to send email (via fax) without ever needing to have access to the Internet.

Sure it sounds great. We've been studying the situation and have come to some conclusions. First of all, why not help seniors really embrace the technology of the Internet? This is Celery's way of keeping old people down. It keeps them from harnessing the power of technology and information so they can make informed decisions. For example, they will never read this web site and be able to decide for themselves about the dire evil of this loathsome vegetable.

Second, it creates a dependence on something with the name of Celery. It will infiltrate their mind on a subconscious level and weaken their resistance to the devil's vegetable. They will begin to think celery is good and cool and wonderful. Point in fact... more old people like celery than young people. See what I mean? Already it begins to influence our culture.

So, take action -- guard your parents and grandparents from this evil onslaught, this sly and insidious usurping of the senior citizens power. Down with celery and all it represents!

In fact, if you have a few moments write a letter to the Celery company asking them to please, for the betterment of the world, to please change their name to something less hideous like Turnip or Parsnip. I can get behind a parsnip, all the way.

Celebrity Celery-Hater: Sayaka Kanda

We have successfully uncovered another celebrity celery-hater who is not afraid to express her dislike for celery.

Sayaka Kanda is a Japanese vocalist. And she is cute, so she will make a great spokesperson for our group.

Celery Band

Boycott this band: Celery

In fact, let's make this a call to action. Go to their page right now and recommend that they cease and desist using the name "Celery" for their band.

What kind of silly name is that for a band anyway? How do they expect to command respect with a name like that? Are they using it because of the danger factor? Sorry, but celery is not "sexy danger" like skydiving or driving fast in a red car. No, it's the unsexy kind of danger like contracting leprosy or choking on a fish bone.

Go help them come up with a new name. If they want to stick with the veggie theme they could do something like... Svelte Aubergine or Turgid Carrot or The Incorrigible Cabbages or the Daring Daikons.

Way, way better! Go help them save themselves!