Saturday, December 27, 2008

Celery Furniture

The sinister folks who promote the misuse of celery are getting more clever in their deception. In order to distract us from our worthy cause, they do things like call something celery that is not actually celery.

I am pointing a finger at YOU, Celery Furniture, makers of really interesting BAMBOO furniture. Why on earth would you name your BAMBOO furniture after the devil's vegetable?

Here is our open letter to Celery Furniture:

Dear Celery Furniture makers:

We at the League for the Suppression of Celery ask that you change the name of your company as soon as possible to something less harmful to humankind such as Bamboo Furniture. We feel it would be less deceptive than name your furniture after celery which it is actually not made of (thank goodness). Or if you want to actually name your furniture after a vegetable, you could name it Bamboo Shoot Furniture which could be pretty cool -- it's like bamboo but not really. Or what about Cabbage Furniture? Who can't love a cute little round fat vegetable like cabbage? After all, they did name a whole series of dolls after cabbage. See how smart an idea that is? You've never seen a line of dolls named "Celery Patch Dolls" and there's a reason for that.

Also, did you know there is a correlation between brain inflammation and the urge to eat celery?

We also don't like that you have a picture on your web site of a little innocent baby lying in a bed with the name "celery" on it. You might as well go lay that baby in a big bed of poison ivy.

Please take this request seriously because we probably have a grassroots campaign running in your area and pretty soon I hope we will have Fearne Cotton as our celebrity spokesperson and then we'll REALLY be famous.

Sincerely yours,


Okay, people, at this time we are not necessarily calling for a boycott unless we can't work this out amicably. In the meantime, if you want to order furniture from these folks, I am asking that when you order you insist they mark out every place on the boxes and shipping labels that has the world "celery". It's optional if you want to have them write in another vegetable or not. You decide what your conscience will allow.


Anonymous said...

Notice that the baby has an ever so slightly horrified look on her face - sitting there in a Celery Bed!

Hindleyite said...

Celery furniture? Whatever next - potato chairs?

Wendy said...

I'm not even sure this is legal. I think there's some kind of actor's guild that protects children from hazardous settings for the sake of art.