Weaponized Celery

What's up with this? As if it were not already obvious to everyone that celery is a menace to society, we have weaponized celery.

The growers of celery, secure of their masterful position in the food pyramid, go so far as to taunt those of us who know the real dangers.

Come on, people. If this isn't a wake-up call, I don't know what is.

Celery Furniture

The sinister folks who promote the misuse of celery are getting more clever in their deception. In order to distract us from our worthy cause, they do things like call something celery that is not actually celery.

I am pointing a finger at YOU, Celery Furniture, makers of really interesting BAMBOO furniture. Why on earth would you name your BAMBOO furniture after the devil's vegetable?

Here is our open letter to Celery Furniture:

Dear Celery Furniture makers:

We at the League for the Suppression of Celery ask that you change the name of your company as soon as possible to something less harmful to humankind such as Bamboo Furniture. We feel it would be less deceptive than name your furniture after celery which it is actually not made of (thank goodness). Or if you want to actually name your furniture after a vegetable, you could name it Bamboo Shoot Furniture which could be pretty cool -- it's like bamboo but not really. Or what about Cabbage Furniture? Who can't love a cute little round fat vegetable like cabbage? After all, they did name a whole series of dolls after cabbage. See how smart an idea that is? You've never seen a line of dolls named "Celery Patch Dolls" and there's a reason for that.

Also, did you know there is a correlation between brain inflammation and the urge to eat celery?

We also don't like that you have a picture on your web site of a little innocent baby lying in a bed with the name "celery" on it. You might as well go lay that baby in a big bed of poison ivy.

Please take this request seriously because we probably have a grassroots campaign running in your area and pretty soon I hope we will have Fearne Cotton as our celebrity spokesperson and then we'll REALLY be famous.

Sincerely yours,

The LSC

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Okay, people, at this time we are not necessarily calling for a boycott unless we can't work this out amicably. In the meantime, if you want to order furniture from these folks, I am asking that when you order you insist they mark out every place on the boxes and shipping labels that has the world "celery". It's optional if you want to have them write in another vegetable or not. You decide what your conscience will allow.

Fearne Cotton, We Love You

Fearne Cotton is our first celebrity celery hater. Fearne is an English presenter who has been on many different shows. As of today I am now her biggest fan and am hoping she might be a spokesperson for the LSC in the future. Fearne, please have your agent call me!

The special people over at Fametastic broke the story on how Fearne hates celery.

I heap you with adulation, people. Keep up the great work.

Correlation Between Celery and Brain Damage

In startling news, it's been revealed by The Telegraph that there is a direct correlation between brain damage and an urge to eat celery. (See also: Evening Standard)

Richard Hammond, who appears on the popular show Top Gear, was in a severe auto crash in 2006. After the accident, in which he sustained brain damage, he suddenly developed a taste for celery.

Researchers indicate that, indeed, brain injury and brain inflammation can cause one to desire celery. THIS IS SCIENCE, PEOPLE.

So, if you feel yourself having a desire to eat the devil's vegetable, please run straight away to the emergency room or nearest critical care unit and ask for a brain scan.

This could save your life.

Art Frahm, Pin-up Artist

Art Frahm (1907-1981) was a pin-up artist who is famous for his "ladies in distress" series in which lovely young women, arms loaded, find themselves in the unfortunate situation of having their panties fall down around their ankles in public.

While Art Frahm's work is fascinating for a number of obvious reasons, it's particular interesting to the LSC for another reason. If you look closely, in many of Frahms paintings you will see that the women are often carrying celery. Coincidence? I think not.

Was Art Frahm acutely aware of this connection between celery and falling underpants? Was this his way of secretly trying to make people aware of the dangers of celery? Look for yourself and then decide.

Welcome!

Thank you for your interest in the League for the Suppression of Celery. Our mission statement is to promote and advocate for a celery-free world. It's a small mission statement, but it's a small group so far. :)

Please join us in ridding the world of celery -- one stalk at a time.