An Insidious New Threat

Those of you who have been in the LCS for a long time understand the comfort of eating your favorite products and at familiar restaurants. For one moment you can relax your guard and hope that nobody has changed something on you.

But when we trace those familiar haunts of ours, sometimes it can also cause an unnoticed complacency. I know this because I became a victim of my own complacency, in my own overconfidence.

Recently I decided to try a new restaurant, a Thai place that recently opened up in a nearby town. I have discovered that the restaurant is being run by a group of celery-activists of a different kind -- the WORST kind who are covert in forcing celery onto an unsuspecting public.

How do they do it? CELERY LEAVES

I know! Most of the time when they try to hide it, they go to great pains by putting, say, celery seeds into dressings or celery powder into spice mixes. But this... this is real chunks of celery that they lob into their food in tiny, limp, floppy celeryness that is nearly impossible to pick out, yet as deadly as if they had just stabbed you in the eye with some Crudités.

Oh, I long for the days when celery lovers had the nerve to lace their food with big, rustic chunks of celery that you could avoid like Vietnamese landmines.

No, my friends, this is ushering in a new age of subversion. Don't let your guard down.

Celery Poet

An immediate intervention is required. This gentleman has apparently had some sort of toxic overdose of celery poisons and is immersed in mad ramblings.

We fear there may be something sinister afoot -- perhaps an angry roommate has tried to poison him or it's a misguided attempt at a healthier lifestyle during which he made the poor choice of introducing more celery into his diet. Perhaps a well-meaning vegetarian girlfriend who doesn't know any better.

In any case, please get over there immediately and help us talk him down. And whatever Chapter of the LSC covers his area, mobilize your intervention units and track down where he lives and send the hazmat team.

GO GO GO!