Celery Psychopaths

A new study points to a link between a taste for bitter foods and "malevolent personality traits."

The study was conducted by researchers in Austria and showed a link between a preference for bitter-tasting foods and a leaning toward "everyday sadism and psychopathy."

You can read more about it at this site which summarizes the study and provides links.  Thanks, Eater, for bringing this important news to our attention.  It could save a life.

Celery High Risk for Transferring Listeria

Recently the Journal of Food Protection published a study that shows the risk of contamination of the Listeria bacteria and subsequent growth during storage.

"Mitigation strategies during dicing and proper refrigeration are essential to minimizing potential health risks associated with diced celery."

The disease Listeriosis (caused from the aforementioned bacterium) causes gastrointestinal illness. In some cases you can get a blood or brain infection. Infections in early pregnancy can cause miscarriage; in late pregnancy stillbirth or death of the newborn.  Listeria infection has different manifestations depending on the organ it infects.  In short, don't mess around with Listeria.

The takeaway here is, first of all, don't eat celery.  Second, if you feel compelled to dance with the devil, at least, for God's sake, dice your own.

Portlandia -- Celery Episode

Boycott: Beyonce

Beyonce claims that she got back in shape with the help of celery seed after the birth of her baby.  We are pretty sure it was probably healthy diet and exercise and all that tushie-wagging she does.  But instead it looks like the celery industry has finally gotten to Beyonce and filled her full of their lies.

Dance it off, sister.  Don't let them take you down with them!

Boycott: Fenland Celery

We have spoken before of the detrimental agricultural downsides of celery production.

To exacerbate this, celery producers in England are making the matter worse by trying to romanticize and thereby revitalized the movement toward Fenland celery which takes even MORE square footage of land to produce than regular supermarket celery.

We vehemently protest the use of Earth's resources for this abomination and urge you to boycott Fendland celery.

Thank you.

Wicked Plants

Amy Stewart is our latest hero here at the League for the Suppression of Celery.  She has written a book called Wicked Plants: The Weed that Killed Lincoln's Mother and other Botanical Atrocities and has included in it a section on the phototoxicity of celery which we brought to light several years ago.

We highly recommend you run right out and get this book and support Amy in her efforts to promote greater justice in the world of agriculture.

The Weed That Killed Lincoln’s Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities. - See more at: http://mvgazette.com/news/2013/12/24/sinister-side-celery-revealed?k=vg52bc5675210d6#comment-160872

The Weed That Killed Lincoln’s Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities. - See more at: http://mvgazette.com/news/2013/12/24/sinister-side-celery-revealed?k=vg52bc5675210d6#comment-160872

The Weed That Killed Lincoln’s Mother and Other Botanical Atrocities. - See more at: http://mvgazette.com/news/2013/12/24/sinister-side-celery-revealed?k=vg52bc5675210d6#comment-160872

Boycott: Musician Kathleen Hanna

We were ready to fall in love with her, because we understand the sentiment about the sushi. Especially during those moments when we are at the safe house and have no access to it.

However, this?

What's your drink?

Dr. Brown's Cel-ray Soda.

The excerpt above is from New York Magazine's interview of musician Kathleen Hanna.  While we can appreciate her creativity and social sensitivities, the League for the Suppression of Celery does not condone her use or promotion of a product that glorifies the use of celery.

Call me a hysteric, but Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda is a gateway drug for the use of real celery, people.  Don't let its cute label fool you.

Try a Less Stupid Name

One of our members in San Francisco brought the company Airbrite to our attention.

They have a product they've named "Celery" because it's a pun on the word "sell" and they want to help you sell your stuff.

We aren't rocket scientists here at the League for the Suppression of Celery, but we know a stupid name when we hear it.  And if you want to be clever and try to SELL something, maybe you should use a pun that doesn't make people feel like vomiting when they hear it.  Maybe something inspiring and motivating.

Now, we realize on this blog we're sometimes really critical and possibly not always constructive.  So, in an effort to be more helpful, we have been sitting around over tea and donuts and spent some time brainstorming in order to help Airbrite out a little bit.

A few words that sound like SELL but don't make you want to vomit:

CELEBRATE
CELESTIAL
EXCEL
EXCELLENT
SELF-WORTH
SELFLESS
SELECT
CELERITY
CELESTA
CELESTIFY

Take "celestify" as an example.  It's a verb that means "to make like heaven." It sounds like "sell" and therefore combines the best of both concepts -- selling something which makes your life like heaven because we live in a culture of rabid consumerism and buying things makes us more complete and also feel euphoric.

So, if you feel like they should change their name, please click straight over to the www.trycelery.com web site and give them your opinion on the matter.  Forthwith!

Snack Abomination

In an effort to make celery more palatable to children, we have these people, doing this thing: Celery Root Chips

Please, people, do not be fooled by the fact that they look so similar to potato chips.  In fact, consider this a call to more vigilant at parties where snacks are served because it's obvious that the celery lovers are trying to trick you into trying this snack abomination.

Also, just because you baked them instead of fried them doesn't mean it's any better.

Nice try, villains, but we're smarter than you think.

Celery Stays on "Dirty Dozen" List for 2013

As you know, we make it very clear all the ways that celery is bad -- even dangerous.  One of these ways is our yearly monitoring of EWG's "Dirty Dozen" report.

The 2013 report was just released and, again (no surprise), celery is on the list at #2.

Don't take our word for it, you can read about it directly from the Environmental Working Group's summary. Scroll down to find the "Dirty Dozen" and also their other feature the "Clean Fifteen."

We would also like to remind you we have been pointing this out as a potential problem as early as January of 2009 and again in July of the same year.  You can read those articles below:

Can Organic Celery Cause Cancer?
Beware of New Zealand Celery

Don't think you can get around it by eating organic.  The only way to stay truly safe is to not eat it at all.  JUST SAY NO.

Stay safe out there, people.

Will Forte Sold His Soul to the Devil

Will Forte, famous for his antics on Saturday Night Live, sold his soul to the devil for his success.  But don't take my word for it.  It's clearly stated in a recent expose by Jake Coyle, entertainment writer for Associated Press.

In an article at Huffington Post, Forte admits that his mother was horrified by it. As she should be.  I'm sure because she raised him better than that.  If you're going to debase yourself and humiliate your mother you might as well go with something respectable like a carrot or a nice, firm zucchini squash.

If you're not utterly convinced that Will Forte will do anything for money you can see the evidence yourself here:   Celery Scene from MacGruber

Adding insult to injury, Forte goes on to actually eat the celery.

(Please do not watch if you have some kind of emotional infirmity. Or a pacemaker. Or are at work.)

Unsung Heroine: Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg recently penned a beautiful article in response to The NY Times' outrageous claims that celery is good for you.

Not only should Ms. Ortberg be praised for her bold stand against celery-usage, but also for her eloquence in such a call to arms.

Thank you, Ms. Ortberg for your dedication to the anti-celery cause.  We at The League for the Suppression of Celery salute you.

Article can be found here: gawker.com

That Woman

That woman who wrote THE LEAGUE FOR THE SUPPRESSION OF CELERY is over at Drey's Library spouting off about stuff. And giving away a book.

http://www.dreyslibrary.com/2013/01/02/januarys-featured-author-is-wendy-russ/

Full of Lies

It has come to our attention there is a book recently published that makes a mockery of everything we believe in.

This cannot, will not, must not be tolerated.

We currently have operatives in Arkansas investigating the situation and will report back as soon as we hear anything.

Until then, don't believe anything you read out there. This blog is the only source for THE REAL TRUTH about celery, not these other posers who might try to deceive you.

Do not be mislead by the pretty words or idyllic covers that lull you into a false sense of security.

Celery Car

A concerned citizen living in the northeastern part of the United States has brought the abomination to our attention:

We at the LSC have no idea what this is, but we can guarantee we have operatives checking into it.  Is it a child's toy?  Is it a horrific peanut butter delivery system?

Remember, it's insidious methods like this that people use to indoctrinate children into thinking celery is fun. CELERY IS NOT FUN.

Dangerous Strain of Celery

In the mid 80's scientists developed a new strain of celery that turned out to cause horrible reactions in the workers who had to pick it.

You can read more about it at New Scientist magazine.

Do you think you were harmfully affected by this plant in the 80's? Contact me about arranging a class action suit against celery growers.

There's another article about it here.

Photo credit: Stevie Lee

Celery Hotline

Dom over at Dom's Weird News is doing a great job spreading the news about celery, the dastardly salad vegetable.

Apparently it has been banned by a British football club and they have even gone so far to make it a CRIME to use celery under certain circumstances. We're making progress, people!

You can read all about it on Dom's article about the Celery Hotline.

Celery Seed Recall

Last month there was a recall of organic celery seeds.  You can get more information from the Reuters news story.

Unless of course, it's silenced by Those Who Would Have You Think Celery is Okay.

You know who I mean...

Also, don't forget -- celery seed is used as a seasoning in a lot of salad dressings and spice mixes. READ YOUR INGREDIENTS, PEOPLE.

Unless, of course, you have a death wish. But, really, if you're suicidal, salmonella is probably not the best way to go anyway. Just don't do it.  Don't.

Rescue this Dog

It's not humiliating enough to be an unwanted puppy trapped in doggy jail. But then to be further demoralized by being named CELERY after the devil's vegetable?

For God's sake, someone go rescue this puppy and change her name.

Latest Inductee: Dustin Keith

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce our latest inductee into the League for the Suppression of Celery. Please go to Dustin's web site and welcome him. Let's support our fellow comrades in the fight against the green scourge.

http://mediabreach.com/2011/11/14/monday-morning-dork-attack-celery/